


Do not forget your heart

by Saetha



Series: O Swallow, have mercy on them [Febuwhump 2021 Prompt Fills] [12]
Category: Rusty Quill Gaming (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, FebuWhump2021, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Mentions of Character Death, The Heart of Aphrodite | Azu Fan Week (Rusty Quill Gaming), mentions of childhood trauma, mentions of revenge and death, no beta we die like Grizzop :(, the other members of LOLOMG are mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-12 01:21:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29377029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saetha/pseuds/Saetha
Summary: “Revenge isn’t as easy as killing and moving on,” Azu says eventually. “Sometimes it works and makes you feel better. Sometimes, killing does not bring you any satisfaction, just makes things worse. Sometimes, there’s nothing to kill.”*Azu feels just a little bit lost after the events at Shoin’s palace. She wanders around Cel’s village and finds someone who seems just as lost as her. Conversations ensue.
Series: O Swallow, have mercy on them [Febuwhump 2021 Prompt Fills] [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2138178
Comments: 6
Kudos: 5
Collections: The Heart of Aphrodite, febuwhump 2021





	Do not forget your heart

**Author's Note:**

> I love Azu SO MUCH ah. So here, a fairly quiet and contemplative piece to show that love, pairing a prompt from the Heart of Aphrodite Azu Fan Week on Tumblr (Restraint - Revenge – Rage) with today's Febuwhump prompt (“Who are you?”).

Azu watches the assembled merrymaking in front of her with a smile on her face. The inhabitants of Cel’s hometown seem to be more than glad – the rain is gone, Shoin is dead, and Cel and their companions have returned victorious. All the more reason for a gigantic party that bursts the eardrums of everyone around. Azu spends some time simply watching them – Cel’s animated discussion with the villagers and Jasper, Hamid’s wild enthusiasm at the party, the kobolds’ wide-eyed fascination with everything, and Zolf’s more restrained happiness at seeing everyone so content.

She wonders what Grizzop and Sasha would have made of all this, the now familiar wave of grief enveloping her. Sasha would have stayed back, in all likelihood, sneaked some drink here and there, preferring to remain in the shadows. Perhaps they could have had a few quiet words together, reminiscing on the weeks behind them. Grizzop – Azu smiles when she thinks of the goblin amongst the people here, about how he would have delighted in it all.

She raises her drink to her lips, takes another sip. Hamid looks up from where he had been speaking with one of the kobolds and raises his eyebrows at her – _everything alright?_ they seem to say. Azu smiles, giving him a nod and a thumbs-up. She’s just exhausted, is all. Another sip of her drink and she realises that she has to go and relieve her herself. With a little sigh she makes her way amongst the houses of the village where the darkness has begun to pool in the small alleyways.

It's on the way back that she notices something is different. The shadows are longer in one corner than they were before and have shifted into a different shape. Azu frowns and steps closer, the light from her armour bathing the casks and boxes in a soft pink glow. Something shifts and then becomes perfectly still as it seemingly becomes aware of the loud clanking with which Azu approaches. Not some _thing_. Some _one_.

“Anybody there?” Azu asks, trying to keep her voice as low and soothing as possible. Any actual fiend would have attacked by now, she’s sure. Someone who is rather scared, then. There is another small amount of movement behind the casks in response to her question, but whoever is there doesn’t dare to come out yet. Azu hunkers down, trying to make herself look smaller and unthreatening.

“You can come out now. Don’t worry, I won’t hurt you. See?” She stretches out her bare hands, palms up, to show that there are no weapons. “I’m a paladin of Aphrodite. I’m here to help.”

It takes another few moments until there is more movement. Finally, someone emerges and Azu lets out a soft gasp – it’s a goblin, and a small one at that, clearly still a child.

“Who are you?” The little girl’s eyes are big and wide. She doesn’t seem to want to leave her safe hiding place behind the casks just yet. Azu remembers the conversation about age with Grizzop only all too well, but she guesses the child would be perhaps six or seven in human years.

“I’m Azu,” she says, voice still as deep and unthreatening as she can make it. 

The goblin looks at her and it is evident that she is longing to trust someone but has also learned that trust is not always a safe option. Azu’s heart breaks just a little when she looks at her.

“You can trust me,” she says. “I won’t hurt you. I promise.”

“Promise?” The goblin repeats. Azu nods.

“Promise.” She holds out her hand. “Who are you, if I can ask?”

“Naria.” She moves out a little further from behind her hiding place, but still remains outside of Azu’s grasp.

“Naria. That’s a beautiful name.” Azu smiles. “Do you know where your parents are? Or anyone else you’d trust?”

At the mention of her parents, Naria’s face crumples again and Azu heart sinks. She knows it’s not her fault, that she couldn’t have known, but – she _has_ just caused this child more pain, and it’s the last thing she wanted to do.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” She tries not to let any of the turmoil inside her show, tries to still sound as soothing as possible. “You don’t need to talk about it, if you don’t want to. Are you hungry? I’m sure I still have some food.”

At the mention of food, Naria perks up a little, although she still looks rather miserable. Azu takes it as a sign that the little goblin is indeed hungry. She rummages in her pockets for some of the jerky she always keeps around and offers a little piece to Naria. The goblin hesitates, before jumping out from behind the casks as quick as lighting and snatching the piece of bread from her, disappearing into her hiding place as quickly as before. Azu cannot help but smile at the brief flicker of happiness in Naria’s face as she begins to tear into the food, although it hurts her heart to see it. How long has passed since she has last had something to eat?

“I’ve got more, if you want. We can also go to the feast, there should still be plenty of food left there. I’m sure my friends and everyone else would be happy to share with you,” she offers.

Naria hesitates, a small frown forming on her face.

“Where the light and the people are?” she asks. Azu nods.

“No.” Naria shakes her head. “Too many people. Too much light. Too much noise.” That, Azu can understand. It would probably all be rather overwhelming for the little goblin girl.

“That’s fine,” she says, fishing out more food and some water, holding it out towards Naria. “We can stay here, if you wish. Do you mind if I stayed with you for a while, make sure that you’re alright?”

Naria musters her from top to bottom, before she gives the most miniscule nod. “It’s okay, I guess.”

Azu nods and lets out a relieved sigh. She sits down, leaning against the wall of the nearest house, far enough from Naria that she won’t intimidate her, but close enough to be the same distance away as before, still able to see her. There is silence between them for a few minutes as Naria devours the rest of the food Azu has set out for her.

“You’re a warrior, right?” she finally asks, around a mouthful of bread.

“A paladin,” Azu corrects her gently. “But I do fight, yes.” She gives her trusty axe, now lying on the floor next to her, a little pat. They’ve seen so much together.

“Have you killed many people?” Naria wants to know, her large eyes fastened on Azu’s face, waiting eagerly for the reply. Azu takes a deep breath, feeling for the heart of Aphrodite with one of her hands. It is warm and reassuring against her skin, reminding her of her purpose in all of this.

“I have killed people, yes,” she admits. “I did not enjoy it.”

“Could you kill someone if I asked you to?” Naria continues. Azu frowns; she doesn’t like where this is going, doesn’t like that the little goblin is asking a question like this at all.

“I wouldn’t usually, no.” Thinking back to Shoin, she adds: “With a few very rare exceptions, perhaps. Why? Do you want someone dead?” Naria looks at her then, a sharpness in her features that is almost painful. Azu wants nothing more than to gather her in her arms and hug her.

“They killed my parents,” she says, eventually. The words come slowly at first, as if being dragged out of her one by one. Once she has begun talking, however, they come ever faster until she is almost yelling. “Bandits. They just…came and killed them. As if they were worth nothing. As if they didn’t mean anything. I was hiding and they didn’t see me, but I watched them.”

Naria sniffs, but the tears in her eyes seem to stem from anger rather than sadness.

“I want to kill them,” she whispers. “Want to make them pay for what they did. But I’m not strong enough. I’ll never be strong enough.”

“That’s not true. You can become strong.” Azu looks at her. “I used to know a goblin once. He was very strong, in his own way.” Her voice breaks only a little when she talks about Grizzop and she’s proud. “I’m sure you can be as well.”

“What happened to him?” Naria has begun to move away from her hiding place, getting closer to Azu.

“He died.” Azu looks down at her hands, those hands that let him go. If she had only been better, had held on a little more tightly…”I couldn’t save him, not matter how strong I was.”

“Don’t you want revenge, too?” Naria frowns.

“Yes. Maybe? I’m not sure.” Azu takes a deep breath. Of course she has thought about revenge. Has thought about returning to Rome and wreaking havoc on whatever stands in her way, screaming out her pain and laying waste to the place that took her friends. But she also knows it wouldn’t help, not really. Sometimes, satisfaction can be found in the knowledge that someone who has perpetrated evil can no longer do so and is gone forever. But this? They cannot fight time, or fate itself, or an actual god, for that matter. Her fury would only serve to damage herself and do nothing to bring back those she has lost.

“Revenge isn’t as easy as killing and moving on,” she says eventually. “Sometimes it works and makes you feel better. Sometimes, killing does not bring you any satisfaction, just makes things worse. Sometimes, there’s nothing to kill.”

“I think, if I knew that the bandits couldn’t kill anybody else, I would be happy,” Naria states, quite seriously, and it is not a statement that Azu can deny easily.

“Do you miss them a lot? Your friends?” The little goblin continues. Azu swallows.

“Every single day,” she whispers, looking down. The first few days after Rome had been the worst, despite clinging on to the vain hope that they might be able to get them back somehow. She’d woken up in the middle of the night, thinking that Grizzop was sitting on her shoulders, or that the silhouette in the doorway was Sasha, sharpening her daggers. “It never really stops.”

It’s the small things that hurt the most. She can go a whole day without being sad and suddenly, she sees someone holding a bow, she will think of Grizzop, or she will spot a little pouch just like Sasha’s somewhere and feel the familiar sting of pain inside her.

“It doesn’t, does it. I miss them, too.” Naria creeps a little closer. She is now well within touching range of Azu, but Azu doesn’t move, not wanting to frighten her. “I wish death would never happen.”

“I think we all do,” Azu says gently. “And we can help, can protect people so that it might spare them at least for a little while. But we can never make it go away entirely. I’m sorry.”

“I just wish they’d come back. I want them back.” Naria moves closer still, tears glistening in her eyes, until she can reach out and almost touch Azu. Azu opens her arms then.

“Would you like a hug? I promise I won’t hurt you.”

The little goblin only nods and climbs into her lap. Azu gently folds her arms around her, feels the tiny body shuddering a little as Naria begins to sob. There are tears on her own face now and she lets them run freely, knowing that they are necessary. Sometimes, it is better to feel freely and deeply and let your emotions run their course than trying to keep a level head at all times.

“It’s okay,” she says quietly, rubbing Naria’s back. “It’s okay to be sad.” She wonders what Grizzop would do in this situation – no doubt he would know exactly what to say, what kind of words would help the little goblin. No doubt he’d promise that he would help avenge her parents or teach her how to do it herself. Azu, however, cannot make such a promise. She cannot swear to another person’s death without having judged them for herself, without knowing in her heart that Aphrodite would approve.

“I don’t _want_ to be sad,” Naria squeezes out between sobs. “I want to be strong for them, like I promised.”

“Being sad doesn’t mean that you aren’t strong,” Azu tells her. “In fact, one of the strongest people I know cries a lot. I cry a lot. Your tears just show that you care. I don’t think your parents would be angry to know that you care, don’t you? I know my friends wouldn’t be.” Although she is sure that Grizzop would probably chuckle at how emotional she still is, whilst Sasha would just offer an awkward pat on her shoulder. Gods, Azu misses them so much.

“They probably wouldn’t be,” Naria admits. “I’m sorry I cannot meet your friends, they sound like good people.”

“They were,” Azu sighs. “The very best. Should I tell you more about them?”

“Yes.” Naria has stopped crying now, and Azu helps her dry the tears on her face with some folds of her tunic. She snuggles close to her and Azu feels her little heart beating under her palm, rabbit-fast. “If you want.”

“I do.” Azu takes a deep breath before she launches into stories of Grizzop and Sasha, all the little things the thought were gone that she can now remember. They bloom in her mind like long-forgotten flowers and she realises that beneath all her tears, she has begun to smile. It is almost like they are back with here, in these moments. She stops only when her voice begins to sound raw and the sounds of merriment from the party have slowly begun to die down. Azu looks down at the little goblin in her arms, expecting her to be asleep, but Naria is looking at her wide-eyed and comfortable.

“Memories like this should not remain looked away,” Naria says and Azu frowns. Before her eyes, Naria seems to change – her voice has become deeper and her eyes have changed colour, glowing in a soft pink hue. Azu gasps but finds that she cannot speak.

“Remember, my child,” Naria – no, not Naria, not anymore – continues. “You are more than your pain, more than your rage, more than what life has done to you. There is so much more yet to come; you will love, and you will lose. You will experience happiness and pain. And through it all, do not forget your heart, my daughter. It is the strongest weapon you have.”

The pink glow slowly begins to fade, and with it the form of Naria in Azu’s arms. She watches as the light slowly drains away, until only a few pink motes are left, drifting up into the night sky.

It’s Cel who finds her later.

“Hey,” they say, leaning against the wall of the nearest hut, brows furrowed in worry. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah.” Azu sniffles, just a little bit, and wipes her eyes. She feels warm all throughout, grateful for the gift she has received and aching in a way that reminds her she is still alive.

“Yeah, I’m good.”


End file.
